Fire in her Eyes
by the2julies
Summary: by Kassandra Luem & Carly Carter. "I know all about you, Juliet. You're dead already. Completely dead on the inside. You're not even a human being anymore." "You know what, Kate? Maybe you're right." A suspicious fire leaves Kate questioning everything..
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1 (Kate)**_

She opens her eyes slowly. One thought, and one only, immediately crosses her mind.

_I can't breathe_

The air is hot, and thick. She tries to stand to her feet, disoriented and dazed. But she can't move. She is trapped.

For a moment, she thinks she is back on that plane. She feels like she has just come hurtling through the sky thousands of feet and crash landed in the middle of nowhere.

She turns her head, looking, searching for answers. But everything is clouded with dense black smoke.

_I can't see _

She feels the familiar throbbing of her wrist, that stinging irritation, handcuffs. So she _is_ on the plane. The plane has crashed. She hit her head. She tries to piece things together. She knows she hit her head, because it hurts like hell. And she concludes that she must have been dreaming, hallucinating. Strange dreams of deserted mystical islands, of Jack, of evil _'others'_. It's all been a disturbing dream. She is still on the plane. The plane has crashed.

This thought disturbs her deeply, even though she ought to be relieved. The most bizarre and real experience of her life, and it had all been a dream. Here she was, back in that plane. It seemed dull. Meaningless. Here she was, a survivor. Again. It made her feel indestructible.

She stops feeling like she has crash landed. Now she feels like she is still falling through the sky. It's terrifying. And beautiful. And she is free. All around her clouds float past and she thinks to herself-

_I can fly_

But the clouds aren't clouds. They are pillars of smoke, choking her, obscuring her view. She chooses not to see it. She tries to move again, after all she is free and she is flying. But something catches pulling hard against her wrist. And it sinks in, she is handcuffed _to_ something. So not free after all.

Kate pulls again against the handcuffs restricting her, how can she fly if she is handcuffed to a …what? She can't see. Damn that bastard. Leaving her here to die, handcuffed and trapped in a plane wreckage. And she is supposedly the criminal?

Something else strikes her as odd though, because the way she remembers it, the plane crash, he had been injured and she managed to get hold of his keys, free herself. Had that been a dream too?

And as the smoke thickens, and the temperature is rising rapidly, she realises something else. Everything is burning around her.

_Fire. _

She screams, loudly, for Jack. But she chokes on the words, inhaling smoke as she opens her mouth to call out. And she almost laughs at herself, calling out for Jack. Had she not just decided the past months on the island had been a dream? Jack did not exist, Jack was a figment of her imagination. Jack couldn't save her now.

But real or imagined, Jack had taught her about taking hold of her fear. She can't see, she can't breathe. And if she doesn't pull herself together, she is going to die right here. She tries to take a deep breath, but that only draws more smoke into her lungs and she doubles over, coughing violently in response.

Paralysed and helpless, a second thing strikes her as odd. The crash, the way she had remembered it, _or dreamed it_, had been so loud. People everywhere, screaming, crying. The noise of the heavy aircraft shattering into pieces had been deafening. She had felt energised by the people and panic all around her. Thrilled by the thought she had cheated death. In awe of the events unfolding all around her. But here, now, is deathly quiet and still. And she is weary.

The smell is the same though. Unmistakable. The smell of burning scorching human flesh. The smell of death. It must be true, she is still on the plane. The plane crashed. The plane is burning. She is handcuffed. She is going to die.

She hasn't got in her to sit peacefully and wait for death. She doesn't know why she deserves to survive while others perished in that crash. Only that her will to survive is strong. She is a survivor. And she can't sit here without trying.

She pulls again against the handcuffs, now so hot that she can feel the flesh on her wrist burning against the white hot metal. This time something shifts suddenly, and causes her to stumble. With her free hand she waves away the smoke as the horrifying reality appears before her eyes. She isn't handcuffed to some_thing_, she is handcuffed to som_eone_. She feels the lifeless limp hand of the other person brush against her own skin, causing shivers down her spine.

She hears something then. A voice. But not from her own mouth, not from the eerily still body she is shackled to. A voice from behind her. Calling her name.

She turns, and through the smoke sees a vision of a woman coming towards her.

_An angel_

An angel who knows her by name, calling to her, reaching out her hand. Kate thinks to herself,

_I am dead- and it's not so bad._

Because she looks into the eyes of the angel, and feels peace that transcends all understanding. And Kate feels, suddenly, finally, like everything is going to be alright. She feels like she can stop fighting, stop struggling to breathe, like it's alright to let go. She has never, ever felt anything like it.

As the angel reaches forward and takes Kate by her free hand, Kate looks closer, through the smoke. And sees that this is no angel. Far from it. It's one of _them._ It's Juliet. And Kate decides that either she has inhaled far too much of that smoke, cutting off precious oxygen to her brain. Or the fact is that this is no plane crash. This is something else. Something more sinister. Something that those people have caused. Juliet's people. The whole mess, the crash, the island, Jack, Juliet, it was no dream. It was all frighteningly real.

Kate tries to speak, to ask what the hell has happened, but her breath catches in her throat. Juliet whispers in her ear "Don't speak." And Kate looks up into her eyes, to Juliet. Or this woman who looks an awful lot like Juliet. Because there was too much compassion in those words to have come from Juliet. There was too much warmth in her touch. And those eyes, those eyes were alive. Soft. Almost human. Not evil, cold, calculating. Nothing that she had come to associate with any of the '_others_'. And this adds to Kate's confusion.

Within seconds Juliet has freed Kate's wrist from the handcuffs, and Kate could swear that Juliet's fingers lingered over her swollen aching skin just a moment longer than necessary. And then Juliet is pulling her hard, dragging her across the floor. Kate tries to stand but Juliet tells her to stay down low, away from the smoke.

Kate can hardly move and wonders why Juliet is pulling her so hard, why doesn't Juliet leave her here to die? Then Kate looks over her shoulder, to the lifeless body behind her. She stops. She can't leave this person here to die. Only moments ago she had convinced herself she was still on the plane, that the person she was attached to was the person who had relentlessly pursued her, made her life a living nightmare, imprisoned her and dragged her home in shame. And she would have been able to save herself and forget him if the choice came down to it. But now that this wasn't the plane crash, who was that other person?

Juliet turns to her, Kate can't quite see her face through the clouds of smoke, but there is rage in her voice, and fear, and she shouts "What are you doing? We have to get out of here, now!"

Kate points to the body, still coughing too hard to speak, and Juliet's gaze follows.

"There isn't time." Juliet says firmly, coldly. As if it meant nothing to her to leave another human being behind to burn to death. But Kate can not walk away so easily. Not when she almost shared that same fate as that person.

As Kate is making her way back to that unconscious body. Juliet grabs her forcefully from behind. "It's too late, he is already dead. He is gone." Juliet tells her.

Kate doesn't think she believes Juliet. She thinks Juliet is lying to get her to leave. Because she would have known if she was handcuffed to a dead person. That hand was warm, and soft. And alive. And she knows she has to try save this person. And if she cant save them, she has to know who it is. Who is this person that Juliet is so anxious to leave here to burn to death.

Kate thinks to herself that she probably belongs back there, with that person, burning and choking as the last breath leaves her body. At least she wouldn't be a traitor. How could she leave someone to die, and allow herself to be rescued by one of them? She wonders how much of this is her compassion for the other person, and how much is wounded pride at the thought of being rescued by Juliet.

Kate has every intention of pushing Juliet away, and going back for the other person. But her strength is gone, Juliet overpowers her quickly and drags her away. And as the smoke shifts in front of her eyes, Kate sees it for the first time. The thing that she must have known all along somewhere deep down, the lifeless body on the floor- is Jack.

There is no chance now that Kate is leaving of her own free will. She tries to scream but no sound comes out. Her head is spinning and aching and she can't breathe, she cant see anything in front of her and she kicks and swings her fist at Juliet who is still holding her tightly pulling her along the ground. Kate pulls one last time against the other woman's arm and she can actually feel the click as she dis-locates Juliet's shoulder. But Juliet says nothing, does nothing. Just keeps moving forward dragging Kate alone with her. Kate struggles as best she can, but Juliet is stronger. Kate can't see anything except smoke and she wonders if Juliet even knows the way out. If Juliet is leading her deeper and deeper in to the fiery pit of hell.

But finally there is air and suddenly Kate can breathe. Kate tries to push Juliet away but it only causes her to stumble and fall backwards onto the grass, pulling Juliet on top of her. Suddenly there is light and Kate can see. And the thing she can see is Juliet's face, Juliet's cold angry eyes. And in those eyes Kate could swear she saw a tear. But she tells herself it's just the smoke making the other woman's eyes water. Because Juliet has no compassion, no heart. Juliet left Jack to burn to death. Juliet is heartless. Because if Juliet had a heart, she would have left Kate to die right alongside Jack, where she belonged. How was Kate supposed to go on without him? And she wonders if Juliet orchestrated this entire situation, just to watch Kate suffer as Jack burned right before her eyes. Just to watch Kate as she lived with the guilt that she had saved herself, that she was alive, Jack was not.

And then, Juliet is gone, Sayid has pulled her away, backed her up against a tree shouting angrily, "Where is Jack?"

Kate looks around and the destruction, the entire community burned to the ground. All of the Others have long ago abandoned the place, or perished in the fire alongside Jack.

She looks back to Juliet, who couldn't answer Sayid even if she wanted to, she is coughing hard and gasping for breath. She looks to Juliet's eyes, cold and unwavering. No fear, no remorse. Nothing. And still Kate finds she has to bite her tongue, because she wants to tell Sayid to stop. To leave Juliet alone.

And that's the last thing she sees, the last thing she thinks, before everything goes black.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2 (Juliet)**_

He is shaking her, pushing her into the unrelenting tree, putting pressure on her already dislocated shoulder. She knows she should be screaming with pain. But she's not. First of all, it's kind of hard to scream when you're trying to force some air past the smoke in your lungs and second, it doesn't really hurt that bad. Not if she remembers the smug look on Ben's face when she screamed in pain and begged him to fix it after Tom dislocated her shoulder for the first time. No, it really isn't that bad.

Kate is safe. And that simple truth is all that counts at the moment. Everything else is secondary. But she is scared, disoriented and currently looking at Juliet as if she was a monster. And while something quietly shatters inside of her, she can't help but be grateful.

Good for you to be shocked, Kate. Good for you to put the blame on me. Good for you not to remember.

Because really, if Kate remembered anything that happened straight before the fire broke out, she wouldn't be standing here, looking at Juliet like that. She probably wouldn't be looking at her at all, unable to even stand the sight of her, a constant reminder of the horrible mistake that had ultimately led to someone's death. Not just someone's death. Jack's.

"Where is he?" Sayid is shouting again, lifting her up a bit as he pushes her against the tree once more, so that his grip on her collar is now holding her up, suspending her feet a few inches above the ground. She turns her gaze away from Kate to meet his and she can see that he's appalled by the coldness in her eyes. She has spent years perfecting that mask and now the practice comes in handy.

"I want to know where he is, bitch!" He repeats again and this time, it's her dislocated shoulder taking the brunt as he slams her into the tree once more. A sharp pain courses through her system, momentarily dazing her. Just as the fog in front of her eyes clears and she searches his face, afraid that he's noticed her weakness, she realizes that he's distracted by something. Her eyes follow his and as they come to rest on Kate's still form she can't breathe for a second. Was she too late after all? In a matter of seconds there is a whole bunch of people crouching down beside Kate, trying to make sure she's alright.

And for a second, Juliet resents them. Here they are, playing all worried, caring friends, but when it came down to it, none of them walked into the damn fire to get her out. It was her. And now here she is, held by some madman asking her for a dead man's location, unable to even see Kate for all the people fussing over her.

_Well, you were the only one who knew where to find her_, a quiet voice speaks up in the back of her head, pulling her out of her self-righteous anger.

And it's true, she acquiesces. Their love for Kate is so obvious, it's almost painful to watch. Never could she tell them what happened on that compound. They wouldn't believe her anyway. But that's not why she does it. That's not why she stares right back at Sayid as he turns back to look at her with murder in his eyes and demands to know what she did to Jack. That's not why she lets him shake her and doesn't lift a finger to defend herself as he backhands her right across the face.

She's doing it for Kate.

Because the second she realised that Kate didn't remember she resolved that she never would. If Kate forgot what happened, then she wants to be damned if she makes her remember. Once, she liked Jack, but _she_ never loved him. And while the guilt doesn't sit easy with her (ever since it happened, the whole horrible thing has been constantly replaying in her mind), she knows in her heart that she can take it. If it spares Kate the pain of remembering, she can take it.

"Talk already, bitch! What did you do to Jack?" And as he shoves her into the tree again, Juliet can't help but think that this is getting old. Doesn't he realize she won't tell him anything? Doesn't anyone realize? And is there truly nobody among them who doesn't suspect her of harming Jack in any way? Nobody at all who'd give her the benefit of the doubt?

If she allowed herself to, Juliet would have felt the bitter sting of loneliness at the realization that no, there wasn't anyone, but she has put her feelings so far away from everything happening here that the observation merely catches in her brain like a key in a lock. All her emotions are focussed on Kate right now and as she finally catches a glimpse of her coughing, painfully sitting up from the corner of her eyes, the knot in her stomach finally loosens a bit and she can breathe again.

"We don't have time for this! Where. Is. Jack." Sawyer growls from Sayid's left and she has to agree with him. They really don't have time. The heat around them increases with every second and she sees how the blinding white flames move closer and closer to where they are standing. This is madness. If they stay much longer, they are all going to die and then, all their fear for their leader will have been for nothing. They won't need one anymore.

But she doesn't know how to tell them without confirming everyone's suspicions. Even if it was just good reason, coming from her the call to leave and get themselves to safety would only be proof of her betrayal.

"We got to go and look for him! We came to rescue them both, there's no way we can leave Jack here! The last time I saw him he was on the other side of the compound. Let's start looking there!" Someone says and that's the final straw.

There's a part of her that firmly roots for just letting them go and get themselves killed but she knows they are probably going to drag her right along with them and apart from that, she really doesn't need a mass murder on her hands on top of everything else. Because that's what letting them walk in there would be. But again, that's not why she does it. Not really. It all keeps coming down to Kate. If she wants her to be safe, if she doesn't want it all to be in vain, she has to speak now.

"That's crazy! You can't go there! There's an oil tank in the basement of one of the houses in the back rows on the other side of the compound. Once the flames get there the whole place is going to blow up. You can't seriously think of going there! That's suicide."

Her voice is calm as she says it even as she hopes with all her might that they see reason and move to safer ground. Every single face turns to her at the statement and there's no mistaking the hostility in their gazes.

"Ah, so now you suddenly know something about that fire, don't you, blondie?" Sawyer snarls and suddenly his face is only inches away from hers. A cold tendril of fear wraps itself around her spine. They are going to ignore her. They are going to go in there and kill themselves and her as well just because she was the one to issue the warning.

They are going to get Kate killed.

It's then she just wants to give up and let them have their way, because really, what's the point? Rachel probably hates her by now for not coming home anyway, Julian doesn't even know her and right now, she seriously isn't sorry for any of those people around her. It's their own fault for being so damn stubborn.

But then she remembers Kate's face when she found her in the flames, the way she looked at her with that wonder on her face and that absolute conviction that she was going to set things right and get her out of there. She can't let her down now.

"I don't know anything about the damn fire! But I do know the town I've been living in for three years, for Christ's sake! And if you want to go and get yourselves killed on some heroic search party then go ahead, but I tell you, you _are_ going to die if you walk into that fire now. And I don't give a shit if you trust me or not, but that's the facts!"

"Yeah, right, I get that you don't give a shit about anyone here, bitch, but Jack's our friend and we won't just leave him to die." Sayid speaks again and it's not the contempt in his eyes that makes her sag into herself, defeated, but the knowledge that it's over. She can't save Kate this time. She could save her from the flames, but she can't save her from her friends' stubborn devotion to that man. It's over and there's nothing she can do anymore. She's not physically strong enough to overpower Sayid and Sawyer who are keeping her trapped against the tree and even if she was, she couldn't get past Claire, Sun and Hurley who are still huddled around Kate. It's over. She failed. She closes her eyes because everything that comes from now on will only be painful to watch.

"It's too late. He's dead. There's nothing we can do for him anymore."

Juliet's eyes snap open at the sound of Kate's words and she barely manages to brace herself on her arms as Sayid abruptly lets go of her. This time, as half of her weight comes to rest on her injured shoulder, she does scream.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3 **_

_**Kate**_

"Stop. Her shoulder." Kate protests, not ready to face the questions about Jack, and strangely unable to enjoy Juliet's agony. Didn't Juliet just save her life after all? Kate forgot all about the dislocated shoulder until that moment., Juliet never even flinched as Sayid threw her up against that tree.

"I never touched her shoulder." Sayid feels the need to defend himself against Kate's harsh gaze aimed in his direction.

"No, _you _didn't," Kate answers him. "Just… put her shoulder back, will you?"

"Way to go, Freckles." Sawyer congratulates her. "But sorry, Juliet, there isn't time to fix your shoulder. A big old oil tank is about to explode and we gotta get outta here."

Kate tries to remember which shoulder she had pulled against as Juliet dragged her from the burning building. While Juliet finally screamed , she makes no other show of pain, she isn't clutching it with her uninjured arm. It takes a minute for Kate to remember. She stands in front of the woman boldly, the others watching closely, wondering just what she is going to do and hoping that whatever it is, it will be excruciatingly painful for Juliet.

Juliet screams for a second time as Kate pushes the arm back into its socket. And somehow that sound causes Kate's breath to catch in her throat.

Sayid smirks with pleasure at this new sight of Juliet in pain and screaming, and Kate can tell that they are all thinking she did it for that purpose, to cause Juliet pain. They aren't entirely wrong. Kate pulled on Juliet's arm more forcefully than necessary, and twisted it violently before locking it back into place. Partly out of anger, partly out of fear. Fear of this strange feeling inside of her, this feeling of compassion for Juliet.

Kate had to do something to stomp that out of her heart. So she forced herself to do it, twist that arm painfully back and forth before relocating it. Yet it wasn't nearly as satisfying as she imagined. Causing this woman who hid her pain so well, to scream, to bite down on her lip in agony. After everything Juliet and her people did, Kate imagined revenge would have been sweeter. She should have learned, long ago, that revenge left bitterness staining your soul, and that the regret, the darkness, was simply not worth it. Hurting Juliet won't bring Jack back. Just as killing her father didn't bring healing or peace to her or her mother.

"What do you mean. About Jack. Tell me, Kate?" Sawyer asks finally. They all turn to her, questions in their eyes. But she has no words. Kate only shakes her head sadly.

At this silent confirmation that Jack is dead, their anger turns back to Juliet. Sawyer clenches his fist, ready to punch her. Sawyer and Sayid are going to beat her until she talks or drops dead. Which ever comes first. And in the mean time there's fierce fire blazing all around, moving steadily closer, ready to consume whatever comes across its path without discrimination..

Kate catches Juliet's eye.

"We need to get out of here," Juliet says it to Kate-

"Shut up" Sawyer spits at her, "no one asked you."

_Juliet is right,_ Kate thinks to herself, but she doesn't dare say that aloud.

The noise of an explosion from the other end of the compound causes them all to jump in shock..

"We need to go, there is nothing we can do for Jack." Kate forces herself to say it, the words catch in her throat and she turns away from the others, hiding the tears in her eyes, turns away from the burning smouldering wreckage. From Jack. The thought of leaving Jack behind, alive or dead, tears her heart out, but it isn't safe. Juliet is right. It's time to go.

Sawyer places his hand on Kate's shoulder, she pushes him away raising her voice louder, "We need to go. Now. "

Most of the others begin walking back along the trail after Sawyer and Sayid nod in agreement. But Kate waits for them, for Juliet, because she knows Juliet is the one with the answers, and she is not ready to let that go. And because her feet are somehow glued to the spot she's standing and she doesn't think she can move.

The men talk softly between themselves. From his back pack Sawyer pulls a rope and Kate realises with horror that he is going to tie Juliet to the tree and leave her there to burn.

"No". Kate protests. Loudly. They look to her as if she was mad, completely insane. Juliet looks to her too a…strange softness in her eyes.

"Kate go with the others, you don't need to see this. We'll take care of it." Sawyer orders her.

"No!". she repeats. Forcefully.

"It's nothing less than what she did to Jack." Sawyer explains.

Kate wants to protest that it is cruel, inhumane, that they won't stoop to the level of the Others. It would sound hypocritical coming from her, a convicted murderer. Instead Kate says something else, also true, and perhaps more convincing.

"She is the only one who knows…the things that happened in there. I need to know. I need answers. Juliet comes with us."

The men exchange a troubled glance and finally give in. Kate is becoming almost hysterical in her insistence, and Sawyer doesn't have it in him to resist her in such a state.

The expression on Juliet's face doesn't change. One minute the woman is tied to a tree left for dead, without fear, without pleading. Juliet didn't ask for a thing. The next minute she is free, saved, all because of Kate, yet she is not grateful, not relieved, not anything. Just stone cold again. Any trace of softness in her eyes, gone.

Sayid pushes Juliet along the path. "Come." Sawyer says to Kate, extending his hand to her, but she stands firmly cemented to the spot. As much as it makes sense to leave, to get the others to safety, as much as she knows there is no point in standing here letting herself burn to the ground, she just doesn't have it in her to make her legs take her away from this place, to leave Jack behind as if he meant nothing. She shakes her head slightly without saying a word.

Sawyer knows better than to try to convince her to move, he can see that she just isn't capable of physically walking away, can't bring herself to do it. And he quickly sweeps her into his arms before she can protest, as if she was a little girl, and carries her along the path towards the beach.

Hours later Kate wakes in her tent, screaming. Sun rushes to her side, soothing her with comforting words. Kate pushes her aside, she needs to breathe, and hastily makes her way out of the tent.

The sun is almost setting, daylight fading across the ocean. A crisp chill in the air. Eerie silence hangs over the camp. Emptiness. The others are preparing dinner around the campfire.

Kate stands for a moment, staring into the flickering flames. And she remembers the intense heat, the thick smoke choking her, her hand burning against the metal handcuffs, Jack's lifeless hand brushing against her own. It is too much.

She walks purposefully toward the fire, kicking angrily at the burning logs with her feet, pushing them into the sand to extinguish the flames. Charlie is behind her in an instant pulling her away, and someone, somewhere, brings a bucket of water, putting the fire out before Kate manages to catch her clothes alight.

They look to Kate, all of them. Concerned and confused. They look to her and Kate sees it in their eyes, sees their hopes and dreams for 'Kate their leader', for Kate to take over and keep things going now Jack is gone, all those hopes shatter in their weary eyes.

They look to her and see that Kate, their fearless leader, lost the plot.

After asking if she was ok, Charlie gently tells her that it's going to be freezing tonight, people need to eat. Fire means survival when you are living in the open.

"No fire. " She orders.

It is not because of her presence as a leader that they scatter in obedience to her command. It is merely the fact that they feel sorry for her, poor Kate, who lost the plot, lost Jack, they pity her. And so for one night, they allow her this moment of insanity, grant her request, and make their way to their tents, cold and hungry.

"Where are they?" Kate asks Charlie after the others are gone.

He looks confused

"Sawyer, Sayid … her?" Kate clarifies.

"Jack's tent." Charlie stumbles over the words. The thought of Juliet in Jack's tent sickens Kate.

Kate turns to Charlie with a silent icy gaze that said '_Don't__ you dare follow me_.' and makes her way to Jack's tent.

They are tying Juliet with ropes as Kate enters, binding her hands behind her back, it seems unnecessary considering Sayid and Sawyer took it upon themselves to be Juliet's body guard. Where is she going to go, what is she going to do?

"You are going to pay for this." Sawyer speaks harshly to Juliet.

"You should be thanking me." Juliet responds. "I saved your girlfriends life, got Jack out of the way. She's all yours now." After the way Juliet endured Sayid's earlier interrogation in silence, it is a shock to hear her speak at all. Even if it is a taunt at Sawyer. But as Juliet looks up and sees Kate in the doorway, her boldness vanishes. As if she didn't want Kate to hear that comment.

"Her shoulder", Kate reminds Sawyer as he binds her hands behind her back. Sawyer smirks and pulls harder against the ropes.

Juliet shoots Kate a look that says '_Thanks a lot for opening your big fat mouth_.' Sayid just shakes his head, wondering why on earth Kate would care. And in truth, Kate isn't sure why it bothers her so much, thinking of the pain Juliet is in. Why should she care? Is it just guilt because she's the one who inadvertently yanked that arm out of its socket? She reminds herself again that while she remembers little about the fire and the week preceeding it, and could scarcely trust the memories she did have. Juliet is still one of them. And Kate has to believe, along with the others, that Juliet is somehow responsible for all of this.

It angers Kate, that bitter look from Juliet. She was trying to help, and it's more than Juliet deserves. And now her own people are looking at her like she had way too much smoke on the brain for giving a second thought to Juliet's shoulder. And Juliet for all of Kate's efforts, is blaming Kate for their cruelty. When in reality, Juliet has no one to blame but herself, no one forced her into a life of 'otherness', kidnapping and tormenting innocent people, no one forced her into a burning building, Kate never asked her to save the day.

"I want to talk to her alone." Kate announces.

The men exchange glances of hesitation

"What is she going to do? She is tied up."

"We've been trying all afternoon, she isn't going to say a word." Sayid says.

"Leave us alone." Kate insists.

And just the way the others scattered and put out the campfire against their better judgement, the men leave the tent.

Kate shakes her head as she hears Sawyer exclaim, "What the fuck happened to the fire?". It almost makes her smile.

Then there is silence. Juliet sits on the ground, her arms and legs bound, and Kate stands towering over her

"Tell me. Everything". Kate finally speaks.

"You were there Kate" Juliet reminds her.

"I don't remember." Kate confesses.

"Maybe that's for the best." Juliet suggests. "It's a good thing you hit your head then."

Kate can't think of a reply. Burning inside her is endless anger and confusion and guilt and shame. Nothing makes sense. Juliet has the answers, and Kate tells herself that if she stands there and angrily demands the truth, Juliet might just give it to her. That causes her to hesitate. Because like Juliet said, maybe it is for the best to forget.

"You should take care of that." Juliet says, her eyes on the deep laceration to the side of Kate's head.

"Its fine, Sun put some herbal stuff on it." Kate answers, wondering how the conversation took this direction, she has to get back on track, find her answers. The not knowing will kill her faster than the truth.

"It's going to get infected if you don't take proper care of it. " Juliet warns.

"Well that's a problem, Juliet, since you killed our Doc." Kate accuses her icily. And she can scarcely believe the callous way she herself refers to Jack's death, turning it into something to taunt Juliet with. It is disrespectful, and Kate hates herself for it.

Juliet doesn't flinch at Kate's words. "This is his tent, where does he keep his medical supplies? Maybe I can help."

Kate shrugs. The last thing on her mind is her head, and she can't fathom why it should matter to Juliet either.

"Untie me, I'll help you." Juliet tells her.

Kate laughs. "If you want me to untie you, you'll have to do better than that!"

"I am a doctor." Juliet reminds Kate.

"You think I'd trust you?"

"What choice do you have Kate?"

Kate knows she has plenty of choices. But for reasons she doesn't understand, Kate unties the woman. After all, Sawyer and Sayid are just outside, where is Juliet going to go, what more can she possibly do?

Juliet strains her eyes in the diming light, looking through Jack's box of assorted medications and first aid supplies. Finally she selects two pills from a bottle, and some sort of tube of cream. Juliet then sits cross legged on the floor in the far corner of the tent, where the light is brightest.

"Sit." she tells Kate.

Kate shifts nervously from one foot to the other, looks over her shoulder at the tent flap wondering just what the hell what would happen if the boys came back in right at this moment in time, and finally sits herself opposite Juliet, allowing her to apply the cream to the gash on her head. It stings and Kate pulls away angrily.

"Sorry." Juliet apologises.

"Sorry?" Kate repeats. "You're sorry for that? "

Juliet doesn't reply. When she's finished she hands Kate the two pills. Kate holds them tentatively in the palm of her hand.

"Antibiotics." Juliet explains. "The wound is deep, it's bound to get infected out here."

Kate looks at the pills, they could be anything. She shakes her head. "No way." There's no way she is swallowing those.

"You don't trust me? "

"Should I?"

"Do you really even care, Kate?"

"Excuse me?"

"You almost kill me when I risk my own life entering a burning building to save you, almost get yourself killed to save a dead body. If Sawyer hadn't picked you up in his arms tell me you wouldn't have run back inside that compound looking for Jack. How much does your life really mean to you? Do you really even care if I poison you?"

Juliet may not be trying to poison her, but she is trying damn hard to confuse her. And succeeding. Why _would_ she have gone into the building for Kate? Did Juliet know Jack was dead already? Was he really dead already? SO many questions. As she recalls her nightmare about Jack, Kate isn't sure she really wants to know the answers. And in answer to Juliet's question- No, right now she doesn't care much if she takes strange pills and drops dead.

Having decided that she swallows them quickly.

Juliet reaches towards her wrist, and Kate shivers. Telling herself it was just from the cold because she was stupid enough to put the fire out. The skin had blistered from the handcuffs burning against her skin, but Juliet's touch soothes the throbbing aching pain.

"I heard you screaming." Juliet tells her.

"In the fire?" Kate asks, remembering how she tried so hard to scream for Jack. "You'd scream, too, trapped in a burning building. Or maybe _you_ wouldn't. "

Juliet ignores the insult. "No, not in the fire. Just before."

Kate finds it unnerving the way Juliet looks her in the eye the way everyone else is afraid to. Without pity and without thinking she is crazy. It unnerves Kate the way Juliet boldly asks to be untied. It frightens her the way Juliet's touch stops her heart beating, and that cold gaze of steel , the way she never screamed as Sayid tormented her, it is disturbing, it is wrong. Juliet isn't human and she can't be trusted. And Kate despises herself for sitting like this opposite this woman. It's why she hardens her tone when she answers.

"I had a nightmare. Some of us have feelings. You know, when we see a man burn to death before our very eyes …"

Juliet is unperturbed. "Is that what you dreamt about? Jack?" Juliet asks, as if it is any of her business. The way Juliet seems to see into her soul, the way she is asking questions about Jack, coupled with Kate's own fear at her feelings towards the woman, causes Kate to ignore the question, and angrily attack Juliet.

"What is wrong with you anyway? Jack never hurt you, Jack never hurt anyone. You and your people are barbaric, torturing, kidnapping, experiment on innocent people, you're completely criminally insane. But you, you're the worst, because you just don't care. You killed Jack and you don't care, you're a cold blooded killer."

"_I'm_ a cold blooded killer?" Juliet asks in disbelief. "If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black then I don't know what is." She answers calmly, while skilfully refraining from incriminating herself in Jack's death.

"You don't know anything about me!" Kate insists, angry beyond belief that Juliet would know anything about her past, much less throw it in her face.

"And you don't know anything about me!" Juliet answers, angry now. And Kate finds it satisfying that she seems to have cracked Juliet's cold lifeless veneer, that she found the woman does have some kind of feelings.

"I know all about you, Juliet. You're dead already. Completely dead on the inside. You have no feelings, no remorse. How long do you think before someone snaps and kills you? It's what you deserve, you killed Jack. I know you did. How did you know where to find us? How did you know he was dead already? Why wont you answer any of our questions? Because you're guilty and you're not even sorry. And now you're here, surrounded by people who hate you, people who want you to suffer a long long time and die. And it doesn't even touch you, you're not even afraid, you don't beg for your life, for your freedom. Because there is nothing living inside you Juliet. You're not even a human being anymore."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Juliet**_

_**Chapter 4**_

For a second Juliet fixes Kate with an intense gaze, like she is looking for something in her face, her eyes, her expression. Like there are words waiting on the tip of her tongue and all she needs is one single sign of recognition. But whatever it is she's looking for, she apparently doesn't find it and in a matter of seconds her expression changes back to cool and distant. When she finally answers, her is voice flat and toneless again.

"You know what, Kate? Maybe you're right."

The brunette looks back at her startled, obviously not having expected such a reaction. But really, what is she supposed to say to that onslaught of blame and insult? How is she supposed to defend herself when she can still remember all too clearly the countless horrible deeds she committed on this island, also for the fiery woman opposite her. When only today, she has killed.

'Come on Juliet, you don't really want to do this.' He teases her and there's a cold glint in his eyes that makes her think that maybe he's finally gone insane now. 'I mean, why would you? You can have a good life with us, I can give you everything you want.' And there's that enticing tone in his voice, like a snake that's circling its prey. But she's done with those games and she stopped believing in his promises long ago.

'_Give me the keys, Ben.' She demands in a calm tone but the second the words are out she realises there's no way he'll do that out of his own volition. Somewhere close a branch cracks and falls to the ground in an explosion of sparks. For a second, grey-black smoke is all she can see and a blinding panic courses through her. If he sneaks away now, it's all lost. But while the smoke doesn't fully clear, his silhouette swims back into focus only milliseconds after and when she can see his face again, the weaker part of her wishes she couldn't. He looks cold, like there isn't a shard of humanity left in him, like he'd just rip her heart out simply for sake of it right now if she wasn't the one pointing a gun at him._

'_Give me the keys.' She repeats and puts some of the steel in her voice she needed to meet the man in front of her to acquire. _

'_Oh, Juliet.' And now he's laughing, mocking her. And she hopes the smoke is dense enough for him to miss the shaking of her hand as she's trying to hold the gun steady. 'You're really going to give up everything for her, aren't you? My poor, lovesick Juliet. I know you're convinced right now she's the one and only for you and she feels just the same for you. And you're going to save her and play hero and she's going to act like she'll love you forever for taking me down and saving her. But I tell you what, Juliet. One day you'll wake up and you'll find her staring into space and you'll realise she's still thinking of Jack. And then it's going to click Juliet and it'll hit you like a ton of bricks that for all her words, she's still in love with him and all you ever were was second choice. My poor, poor Juliet.'_

_She wonders how he still manages to put so much insistence and such a level of self-assured conviction in his voice, when by now the smoke should be choking him just as much as it's choking her. And if she concentrates on that mystery hard enough then maybe she can move past the fact that he just accurately voiced her deepest, secret fears and proceed to get the keys to Kate's handcuffs from him. Because Kate wouldn't leave her. And if Kate tells her she loves her than she does. It's her, and not Jack. Her, not Jack. Her. _

_Ben's watching her with the expression of a hawk and Juliet has to refrain from taking a step back. She actually has to remind herself of who's the one with the gun here because in spite of all her resolve, Ben has managed to confuse her yet again. But the burning heat of the flames encircling them brings her back to the present. Back to what's at stake. She can't afford to be weak right now. Kate's life depends on it._

'_Give me the keys. Now.' There's a hardness in her voice, a determination that wasn't there before and Ben seems to notice too because he actually looks concerned. But maybe it's just the smoke around them playing tricks on Juliet's eyes. She moves forward until she comes face to face with Ben. It's like a switch just turned. She's no longer afraid of him._

'_Give me the keys, Ben. This is the last time I'll ask for them nicely. We're running our of time. _You_'re running out of time. Otherwise I'll just shoot you and get them myself.' _

_An odd calm has taken possession of her. She's going to do it. If he doesn't give in right now, she's going to shoot him and take the bleeding keys herself. That's just the way it is. _

_For a second, there's an expression on Ben's face she can't identify. She's never seen it on him. The very moment she realises it's fear she's seeing – fear she induced - his eyes change again and now there's an icy glare of wild insanity in them. Before she has time to feel triumph he throws himself forward, his hands already half on her neck before she even manages to raise her hands in defence. She can only stare at his eyes as he lunges at her and then there's a deafening shot and his small, heavy body sags against her before crumbling to the ground._

_For a second she stands immobile, staring at the man at her feet. The dead man at her feet. There are so many emotions running rampant in her body, there's guilt and anger and hope and panic. But above everything else, there's relief. _

_Another branch crashes down just beside her and the heat, the noise and the sparks shake her out of her stupor. She's here for a reason. Not losing any more time, she quickly bends down over the body and takes the small set of keys out of his pocket before she turns around and runs across the compound to a building on the other side, flames already shooting up from its windows like God's very own way of throwing a tantrum. _

Slowly, the images in front of her eyes fade and the inside of the tent comes back into focus. Kate, standing a few feet away from her, the soft glow of the candles, the smell of burning wax and ocean salt.

Kate doesn't know all those things she remembers, all the things that happened to lead them to this point. She doesn't know that only today, she threatened to kill a man for her. Doesn't know that she would have, even if Ben hadn't decided to seal his own fate by attacking her. And if that makes her a cold blooded killer, makes her guilty, then she is. As for the rest of what Kate's saying…

There is a bitter taste of something like regret, like loss in the back of her mouth as Juliet remembers just how she secretly used to harbour those very same accusations against herself in spite of her own better knowledge, before Kate – Kate with the blazing eyes and the hard stare that seems so determined to hate her now – Kate told her she only did what she had to do to survive. The irony of it all nearly makes Juliet gag. Because she believed her. Kate doesn't say things just for other people's benefit so if she told her something like that, she had to mean it.

But now it's all just pointless, because Kate doesn't remember the first thing about it so she might as well never have said it at all. So what the hell, maybe she really stopped giving a damn if somebody decided to cut her throat tonight or poison her food tomorrow. Maybe now that Kate is forever out of her reach, will forever blame her for Jack's death and _hate_ her for it, there really is nothing left inside of her.

And strangely enough Juliet is fine with that. Because she's reached a point where she's convinced that nothing but Kate matters anymore so if Kate needs to blame her in order to forget, in order to move on, then it's okay.

What's not okay, however, is for Kate to keep poking and prodding and looking at her as if she really was the lowest being on earth, because hell, Juliet's had a pretty shitty day too. In a way, she lost her love in the last 12 hours too. She almost burned in a bleeding building as well, she confronted her personal nemesis, she killed a man, she has just been through a whole afternoon of blows to every part of her body, of threats and insults. And now here's Kate, Kate, who means too much to her to put in words, condemning her in the worst way possible, pretty much telling her she wants her dead on top of everything.

Juliet doesn't know what she's going to do if Kate doesn't stop soon. She feels like she's either going to start crying (which would be the worst case scenario imaginable for a multitude of reasons) or snap back and yell at Kate (which wouldn't be a very good idea either, considering how little Kate already likes her and just how glad Sawyer and Sayid would be for another excuse to continue their 'treatment' on her).

So when Kate just stares at her, shocked into silence by her admission, she thanks a God she has stopped believing in long ago for this quiet moment of respite.

Kate's just standing there, her chest heaving, looking at her as if she can't believe Juliet just said that.

_Yes, Kate_. Juliet wants to say. _Yes, that's what I think._ _That's me, appearances and bravado aside. Now you're looking, aren't you? Now you forget about Jack for a second, right?_

And it's petty and immature and masochistic and weak, but she can't help but remember Ben's words earlier that day in the fire. _'And it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks that she's still in love with him and that all you ever were was second choice.'_

And Juliet looks at Kate, knowing she could open her mouth now, spill the secret and have Kate remember everything. Have her remember how they used to be a team. How they decided to fight against all odds and still came out alive. She's longing for a Kate that remembers, a Kate that can reassure Juliet that they're going to be okay. There's nothing more she wants right now than for Kate to remember how she decided to trust Juliet and how Juliet didn't betray that trust even once. She wants her to remember how it was Jack that attacked her, Jack that threatened her, Jack that she turned to Juliet to protect her from. She wants Kate to remember that she loves her. All she needs to do right now is open her mouth and she could have her remember everything.

Everything.

And _everything_ is exactly why she can't do it, because _everything_ includes the reason Jack – Kate's wonderful, beloved Jack – is now dead and in the middle of his very own, larger than life pyre. _Everything_ is exactly what Juliet is afraid of, trying to avoid at every cost.

_Everything_ is that it wasn't Juliet who killed Jack. It was Kate.


	5. Chapter 5

** Just want to take a moment to say thank you so much for reading, and for all the encouraging and inspirational feedback, it means so much, xoxo **

_**Chapter 5 (Kate) **_

Kate's first instinct is to run. It has always been her first instinct. One that has never served her well. Even now, when she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no where on this earth you can hide, not even this god forsaken island, even now her every instinct is to turn and get the hell out of that tent.

It is fear coursing through Kate's body. Pure, unadulterated fear. And yet Kate isn't afraid _of_ Juliet. She can't bring herself to fear the woman who risked her life running into a burring building to save her. She cant bring herself to fear the woman who tenderly dressed her wounds, whose very touch quieted Kate's troubled spirit. Kate can't reconcile in her head that image of Juliet, with the one of cold calculating "other" Juliet. Murderer Juliet. And if Kate isn't afraid _of _Juliet, then just what is she afraid of?

This has gone too far. Perhaps it's what Juliet wanted all along. Kate knows better than to trust the woman, or to trust her own feelings for that matter. Juliet is manipulating her. Plain and simple. And she has to get away. But before she does so, she has to regain control of the situation.

It is understood in the absence of verbal communication, as Kate picks up the ropes discarded on the floor, that Juliet is to return to the spot Sawyer tied her. Juliet plays her part, of prisoner, compliantly. She moves without protest back to the position. With no outward sign of anger or fear, Juliet places her hands behind her back, and waits for Kate to secure them with the rope.

Kate pulls the ropes gently twisting them around Juliet's wrists. Far more gently than Sawyer had done. Almost with regret. Almost with apology. Kate has to bite her tongue to keep herself from saying it to Juliet, saying "_I'm sorry_."

"_I'm_ _Sorry." Juliet Tells Kate as she reaches forward placing the handcuffs on Kate's wrists. Juliet's fingers linger for a moment, and Kate angrily pulls away. _

"_Kate please, you know I'm on your side. But I can't have my colleagues getting suspicious." Juliet tries to explain. _

"_If you mean that, if you're on my side, then let me go." _

_Juliet tries to contain her laughter. From the angry determination in Kate's eyes she can see that Kate is serious. "Kate, where would you go? This is a small island. There is no where to run, nowhere to hide. No way to survive. Ben will find you."_

"_That's my problem, not yours. Let me go." Kate demands again._

"_There is another way. If you'll give me a chance. A way for both of us to be free, truly free. All you have to do is trust me." _

Kate shakes the confusing images away from her mind. Things were put right now. Juliet was prisoner. Kate was in control. Kate waits for that sinking suffocating feeling to leave her. She closes her eyes. Takes a deep breath. The feeling is still there.

Juliet doesn't flinch, her eyes betray nothing. She sits perfectly still. Untouched. Yet Kate can't quite shake the feeling that she has pushed Juliet too far. Can't shake the feeling that Juliet is about to cry, and Kate finds herself on the verge of tears. As if she is unable to distinguish Juliet's feelings from her own. Kate shakes her head again. This is madness.

Juliet has somehow clawed her way under Kate's skin. Whatever game Juliet is playing, it's gone way too far. Kate knows better than this, better than to let Juliet touch her_. Run_, Kate tells herself. _Get the hell out_. Yet she can't move.

_Kate is lying on the hard wooden floor. Her side is aching, and she curls into a ball trying to stop the pain. She is aching all over. Juliet is leaning over her, trying to help her up. But Kate angrily pushes her away. _

"_Don't touch me." Kate manages to spit at the woman. _

"_Please, let me help you." Juliet says it so sincerely that Kate almost gives in to her. _

"_Now you wanna help me?" Kate asks incredulously as she manages to bring her self to a sitting position. She forces herself not to flinch with pain, not to let Juliet see any sign of weakness. She locks eyes with Juliet sitting opposite her on the cold dusty floor. "You just stood there, watching, and let him beat the shit out of me. You didn't even protest, you didn't even blink. Now you want me to believe you want to help me?"_

"_What did you want me to do Kate? What could I have done to stop him?" Juliet asks. _

_Kate doesn't answer. What could Juliet have done? Why would Juliet bother? Why would Kate expect her to? Juliet owes her nothing. But still Kate feels angry with the woman, Kate feels betrayed. And angry at herself for letting Juliet's betrayal sting her so much, Kate says nothing. _

_Juliet speaks again "Why do you make things so damn hard on yourself? You provoked him. I warned you to keep your mother shut. But you wouldn't let it go. You just kept pushing him, and pushing him. You are your own worst enemy. Don't blame me for this. I told you to keep your mouth shut and stay out of trouble. You bought this on yourself." Juliet is whispering to avoid calling unwanted attention to herself, but her words are harsh and clear. She is angry too. She is angry at Kate. Kate shakes her head and looks away. And then suddenly Juliet pauses, softens her tone "Please, just keep your mouth shut and stay out of trouble." _

_When Kate looks back to Juliet she sees tears shining in the other woman's eyes. She feels sorry for the way she snapped at her. But not sorry enough to let her guard down completely. _

"_What are you crying for, I think I'll live." Kate makes a move to stand to her feet, uncomfortable with this emotion from Juliet. _

_Juliet reaches forward, taking Kate by the wrist. Kate finds all the aching in her weary body disappears as Juliet lays her hands upon her skin. All the pain just fades away. Even though Juliet is holding her firmly, her touch is gentle. Caring. Kate doesn't want Juliet to ever let her go. _

_Juliet finally opens her mouth. "I am sick of being powerless. Sick of watching people I care about get hurt, or sick, or die, and not being able to lift a finger. I'm so sick of all of this. And I'm not going to do this anymore." _

More than she feels confused, or afraid, or angry, Kate feels more specifically, and curiously, guilty. It takes a moment for Kate to associate that sinking suffocating feeling with guilt. Guilt, that thing she had long ago blocked from her mind.

Kate would never have survived if she let all that condemnation into her life, from the law, her mother, other people. If she had allowed herself for one second to feel all that guilt they tried to pile on top of her, it would have killed her. So she pushed it away. It had been years since guilt had crept up on her like that. And Kate can't make any sense out of it.

Juliet remains unperturbed, almost lifeless, tied and bound in the corner of that tent. Kate tries to conduct herself with that same calm, but she can't help the way she shifts anxiously from one foot to the other. And Juliet doesn't move, doesn't blink. Gives no indication that she feels anything at all.

Yet Kate does feel something oozing from Juliet. Disappointment. Undoubtedly. Even crazier that the fact Kate thinks she knows what Juliet is feeling, is the fact that Juliet's disappointment cuts right through her. As if Juliet's feelings were suppose to mean something to Kate. As if Juliet's disapproval should wound her.

Disappointment, like guilt, was not exactly unfamiliar to Kate. It's just that she spent so much energy pushing it aside. How else could she have lived with her mothers disappointment in her? With her own disappointment at the way her mother betrayed her? There was no room in her life for disappointment. Kate couldn't let it touch her, and she banished it alongside guilt many years ago.

Kate knows she has to push this aside, push all of this madness aside and just leave. But somehow, as if she was shackled to Juliet, she just can't bring herself to do what she does best, run.

"_I'm not sorry." Kate says resolutely. How many times had she uttered those words proudly, defiantly, to her mother, to the police, to anyone who would listen? She was convincing. , _

_"I think you are." Juliet was the first person to say it to her face. _

_It only serves to make Kate angry. "You know nothing about him, what kind of man he was, what he did to my mother, to me. I am not sorry."_

"_Yes, you are." Juliet said it again. _

"_I AM NOT!"  
_

"_Not sorry?" Juliet is still so calm. . "Not sorry in the least? Not sorry you took a man's life? Not sorry you broke your mother's heart, that's she will never forgive you, that you shattered your own family…"_

"_Why should I be sorry for that? Some family. She never cared about me, never lifted a finger to protect me."_

"_Sorry you threw away your freedom for her then?" Juliet asks. _

_It causes Kate to stop for a moment, but she pushes it aside. "What does it matter now? I'm a prisoner on this stinking island anyway. None of it matters anymore."_

"_Why didn't you just run away. Just leave them both behind for good?" Juliet asks._

_Kate doesn't know what kind of game Juliet is playing, but she can't stop herself from answering. "I couldn't leave her with him." _

"_You did all that for her? Threw away your life, your future, your freedom, to protect her?"_

"_I didn't throw anything away, it would have been fine if she hadn't gone to the police!" _

"_But that's the sad thing, isn't it? You killed a man for her, and she turned you in. Knowing now how little you meant to her, you can't tell me that you don't regret it."_

"_What does it matter now?" Kate wants to know._

"_I can't change it, not any of it. I can't turn back time, can't bring him back from the dead. I wouldn't if I could. He was a monster, and the world is a better place without him, regardless of what my deluded mother chooses to think."_

"_Knowing now, everything that would happen, your mothers feelings, turning you into the police, your life on the run, ending up on this island, all the people you dragged down with you. Knowing all that, you can't tell me that you don't regret it. Would you really do it all over again if you had the chance?"_

"_Yes." The answer came too quickly. "He is gone and that's all that matters."_

"_You tell yourself that Kate, because you have to. You have to believe that you did the right thing. That all this suffering has purpose, meaning. The truth is there is no meaning. The truth is you did a stupid reckless thing. You made a mistake. You're still paying for it, so are other people. There is no one to blame but yourself. You can't live with it. Can't live with the guilt, the regret. So you have to tell yourself that you were right, that you had reasons, that it was all worth it."_

"_Shut up." Kate warns her. She covers her ears, not wanting to hear any more. She has no room in her life for thoughts like those. What does it matter anyway? What does any of it matter now? And why is Juliet trying to torment her over things she can't change. She had scarcely given a thought to the events of the past since coming to this island. It was like a second chance, to wipe the slate clean. She didn't want to bring it all back up again. _

_Juliet grabs Kate's hands, pulling them away from her ears so she can hear every last word. Only inches standing between them, Juliet speaks again. Her words are forceful, but not cruel. _

"_You know what's right Kate. You know what's true. You knew all along your mother would choose him over you. Did she ever once take your side? Did she ever once protect you? You just couldn't let yourself see it. Open your eyes Kate. For once just open your eyes and see the truth. I am not your enemy." _

. ~

It is all too much, Kate fears she has lost her mind. And Juliet is just sitting there, still, silent, as if she hadn't a care in the world.

Kate tries to think of a parting word, but she can't straighten her head out long enough to make sense of her feelings. There is nothing left to say. An apology would be meaningless, and angry insult needless. And so Kate finally turns her back, and quietly slips away out of the back of the tent unseen by the others.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6- Juliet**_

Kate's binding her hands again, avoiding her eyes, silently condemning her. She doesn't remember. She won't remember. She won't _let_ her remember. She won't. If this is how it's going to be from now on, if strained silence and the occasional accusation or insult thrown her way is going to be all that she gets, then so be it. There's no way out of this. It's either that or telling Kate that she was the one to kill Jack Shepherd. And there's simply no way she can do that. God, how she wants to right now, but she just can't. Can't even imagine the look on Kate's face, the fading of the light in those brown eyes without wishing the world to stop. It's no choice, really. And so silently, she accepts the nature of her life from now on.

But God, it hurts. Her shoulder hurts, her head hurts, her insides hurt. Everything hurts. And even if she wanted to, she wouldn't know how to deal with all of this anymore. And so she does what she told herself she wouldn't ever do again, wouldn't ever be weak enough to have to do again: she closes her eyes and gets lost in her own head.

_It was dark in the store room and Juliet had to strain her eyes to make out Kate's face. Apparently, she wasn't too impressed with what Juliet had found out about the deal between Jack and Ben, her brows were drawn into a straight line and the hands on her hips were telling a whole story of tension and impending fight._

"_So apparently it all revolves around a sub that's supposed to come in a month's time. Ben promised Jack he could be on that if only he kept to his side of the deal."_

"_His side of the deal… Yeah, I bet. And that's all? They just made that deal and that's it? I can't believe that Jack would trust Ben's word at face value. Are you sure there's not more?"_

_Now she's growing frustrated, too, because really, trying to find out about Ben's secret affairs in this place is like treading on a minefield. The whole thing could blow up right in her face every moment and she really is doing her best. _

"_What do you think I'm doing here, Kate? Searching the library for apple pie recipes? I'm prying into Ben's private business and trust me there's a reason it's called private. Especially when it comes to a man like Ben. This is dangerous, Kate. If we're not careful, we're both going to end up dead, so excuse me if my information doesn't fully satisfy you."_

_She swears she's only imagining Kate's blush, but the somewhat apologetic shrug is definitely real and also serves to calm her. _

"_Whatever. I know you're placing yourself on the line here, Juliet. And truth to be told, I still don't get why you're doing this."_

"_It doesn't matter." she answers and suddenly she's glad the darkness hides her expression._

"_Well, I think it matters to me." Kate says and there's something new in her voice that makes Juliet wish she could see her face. "I mean, I trusted Jack and now he's … he's doing that and I never trusted you and now you're doing this with me." Her hands indicate the confined space of the store room around them and if the situation wasn't so dead serious, Juliet would be laughing. Because really, her and Kate doing _this_ in a semi-dark, cramped store room? Somehow that sounds more like a wet fantasy than real life._

_Yet here she is, in what is decidedly not a wet fantasy, with madmen practically breathing down their necks, only a few minutes away from being discovered and Kate is expecting an answer from her._

"_Things aren't always as they seem, Kate. Sometimes people do things not because they want to do them but for some reason - real or imagined – feel like they have to do them. And sometimes people just grow tired of being caught in the same old game of threats and promises and they decide to do something different for once. To do the right thing. Whatever that's supposed to mean."_

_It takes Kate a moment to process her words and once she's sure just who Juliet's talking about, Juliet can practically feel her eyes boring into her. And part of her berates herself for ever opening her mouth. There's no reason to tell Kate all of that. No reason at all. They're on a mission here, this is about getting Kate out of this place before something horrible happens. This is not about her feelings, her own buried hopes and desires and her guilt and emptiness and silent despair._

"_What are you saying? That you never wanted to capture us? That you didn't enjoy it when Tom was beating the living daylights out of Sawyer? That you were forced to flaunt your superiority at us while we were chopping those bleeding stones?"_

_And there it is, the attack she was waiting for, preparing herself for and finds herself still strangely unable to counter. _

"_I'm just saying that maybe I'm not here for the reasons you think I am."_

"_So what? Aliens abducted you and put you here and took off in their shiny green little spaceship, leaving poor Juliet all alone to wander through the jungle until Ben found you and took you in and made you his own personal ice queen?"_

_She knows that Kate's venting her frustrations about Jack's betrayal right now too, that she's just lashing out, saying whatever comes to her mind and probably going to regret this conversation later on. It doesn't take the sting out of her words however, and Juliet can't help but to shrink back in response. _

_And then comes the anger. Just who does Kate think she is? Frustrated, okay. Snapping at her, fine. But mocking her when she's practically wearing her heart on her sleeve? Not okay. Not okay at all. Part of her wishes she had just kept her mouth shut in the first place. But what's done is done and now that she started going down that road she somehow has to make sure Kate gets what she is saying. That things weren't like that. She needs Kate to understand just how little of what she thinks about her is true. It shouldn't be that important to her what Kate thinks. But it is and somehow the idea that Kate thinks she enjoyed any part of these last three years nearly makes her choke. _

"_No, Kate. It wasn't like that. Nothing like that. And you know it."_

"_Oh, do I? Because it damn well looked like it from where I was standing!"_

"_Well, maybe you didn't look hard enough."_

"_I didn't? Come on then, tell me Juliet, what was it that I missed? What would I have seen?"_

_And that's the million dollar question. Somehow, Juliet didn't think she'd ever have to actually spell it out like that. Kate looks at her expectantly, defiantly and Juliet knows she'll only have this one chance to explain things to Kate. To get Kate to trust her. And for a second, Juliet is scared. What if she tells her everything and Kate still decides it's not enough? What if she says it's been Juliet's own fault all along? That she still had choices and if she really thinks she can win Kate over with a story like that she better develop some connection to reality soon._

_She doesn't know what it is that Kate sees in her expression then, but something in her face changes. Her eyes seem to soften in the dim light and Juliet imagines she can see some of the tension in her posture fade._

"_Tell me, Juliet." Kate prompts and her voice is gentle and it takes Juliet by surprise. She feels almost physically pulled to Kate and it's nearly impossible to resist the sudden urge to just go with the feeling and spill everything to Kate. Trusting that warm voice and cautious concern in her eyes. But she's learned all too well what can happen if you just go with your feelings and she tries to steel herself against Kate and the way she makes her feel._

"_There's not much to tell. I was stupid, I trusted the wrong people and I ended up here with Ben refusing to let me leave. There was nothing I wanted more than to go back, but he told me I was his and I wouldn't go until he said so. And then he started promising me I could leave if only I did a little something for him. And I did it. And he still didn't let me go, because there was this other something I still had to do. And another. And another. And if you say that's no excuse for what we did to you, what I did to you, Kate, then you're right. But please remember that in a way, I'm a prisoner here too. And that all I ever wanted was to go back home."_

_There, she said it. And Kate doesn't look disgusted. Or angry. Yet. At the moment she just looks at Juliet like she's still trying to make sense of everything the other woman told her. And Juliet wants to keep this moment in mind like that. She doesn't want to wait for Kate's expression to change from intense focus to angry condemnation. Better break things off now with the illusion still in tact._

"_Come on." She says, her voice harsher than she intended it to be "let's get you to where you're supposed to be before someone gets suspicious." _

_As Juliet moves to open to door of the store room, trying her best not to think about the possible consequences of her revelation, something suddenly holds her back and she looks down to find Kate's hand on her wrist and then up to find her eyes searching Juliet's face._

"_I'm sorry." Is what she hears._

"Kate!"

"Kate!"

Somehow the sounds don't fit to the picture in her mind. Sure, she was half-expecting someone to notice their little disappearing act, to notice that Kate wasn't were she, Juliet, was supposed to have taken her. This is what she's been trying to prevent and prepare herself for at the same time: this is detection. But then she realizes something's off. Why are they yelling Kate's name? It's not like they'd seriously expect her to just jump out at the sound of them calling her if they thought she was trying to get away. And besides, the pitch's all wrong. That's not the angry sound of someone calling for their prisoner. It's the concerned voice of someone calling out for their friend. It's Sawyer's concerned voice and he wasn't even near that particular store room.

"Kate!"

And Sun wasn't at the camp at all.

She opens her eyes and takes in the familiar surroundings of Jack's tent. The makeshift table and the bed and the cupboard. And while it takes her a second to process the sudden jump in time, the sinking feeling immediately lodges in the pit of her stomach. Kate's gone. She's not in the tent anymore and somehow Juliet doesn't even need the worried shouts from outside to realize that Kate's gone further than just back to the campfire. She replays Kate's avoiding eyes, her uneasy stance, that confused, troubled look on her face from earlier. Yes, Kate's gone. Gone to run as far away as she physically can get.

And she left her behind.

She doesn't have a hard time breathing, her heart doesn't stop. But still she feels something irrevocably change. She doesn't know what it is, doesn't even want to, but when she imagines her insides now, it's all volcanic stone, black, burned stone, with the tiniest layer of ice glimmering on top.

She gets up, not really knowing why, just somehow pulled by those concerned, caring voices. They're not calling her name, they're calling _hers_, but it doesn't matter. There's not much left that matters, if anything at all, anyway. She finds herself still bound, but the ropes are so loose, it doesn't take much effort to shed them. The voices are moving further away, she can't make out who's the one calling anymore. But she still hears her name.

Sawyer and Sayid are gone when she steps outside and so is everyone else. The camp's dark, there are a few fires lit, but also a few places with the scattered, slightly blackened wood of a fire kicked out, with only a few embers left. She would probably wonder about that, if she could somehow find it in herself to care. It's cold however and she shivers in her top. Without thinking about it, she moves to the next tent to find something warm to put on and she can actually hear the sand shifting between her feet as she walks. For a second, the sound and the feeling of sand under her shoes captivates her. It sparks a memory of herself as a young woman running along the beach, trying to catch a Frisbee someone else had thrown her. A woman with hair a few shades darker than her own and an easy laugh on her lips. Rachel. The memory's gone as soon as it came and she finds herself fumbling around for a long-sleeved something in the dark of the tent. In the end, her hands touch something soft that feels large enough to be a blanket and she grabs it and heads outside again.

Her eyes wander around the deserted camp site and finally settle on the glowing embers on the ground. She ignores the bigger fires and moves towards them, somehow feeling a strange compassion for those embers, the way they keep glimmering against the cold, spending their last energy on such a useless activity as lighting up in different shades of red every now and then, hoping that somehow a gust of wind passing by will notice them and either set them ablaze again or just put them out of their misery.

She stands, contemplating, when suddenly there's a loud wail breaking the silence that has decended over the camp. She vaguely wonders what that could have been, but then goes back to her musings. That's until a second wail rings out and then a third one and a fourth one that somehow turns into a constant wailing she instinctively recognizes as that of an infant.

The sound beckons her closer and so she turns and follows the high-pitched cries, dropping the blanket and finding herself not giving a damn. It doesn't take long for her to find the makeshift crib with the moving bundle inside. In the darkness she can't make out the baby's features, but his cries tear at her heart and she picks him up.

The sensation of the baby settling against her chest is something that catches her off guard. The warmth of that tiny body against hers, the instinctive trust with which he presses himself into her, it all makes her heart clench and then expand almost painfully. It's been so long since she held a living baby in her arms that she's forgotten what it feels like.

In the back of her head, the thought registers that this is Aron, Claire's child, the child of the woman with long blonde hair that they'd been scheming to get their hands on. It doesn't seem important now, however. Claire's gone, along with everyone else and the baby in her arms has quieted down and is now staring at her through wide curious eyes. She wants to talk to him but the words just won't form and so she simply stares back. And then the most amazing thing happens. He shifts a bit and then reaches out with his chubby little hands for her face, her locks, her own hands. And Juliet wants to cry, wants to wail like he did just moments earlier cause she can't remember the last time somebody reached out to her like that, so open, so trusting, so completely without hesitation or fear. She feels the tears on her face before she can even think to keep them in and in the end, it doesn't matter anyway. She smiles at the little human being in her arms and holds her hand to him and he grabs her little finger in his whole hand and pulls on it until she gives.

She stares in complete wonder as he starts squeaking with delight. That little boy, his eyes, his warmth, his hands and little, wriggling feet are all her world consists of now. She moves to retrieve the blanket and sits down beside the embers again while wrapping the both of them in it. There's an odd sense of peace washing over her as she loses herself completely in their interactions, in his hands pulling on her curls, the sound of his gurgling, his squeals and his breathing.

She doesn't know how long they sit there but sometime into the night, she doesn't see Aron anymore when she looks at him. There's the image of another little boy pushing to the front of her consciousness, also blonde, albeit a little taller. A boy named after his lost aunt. She looks down at the baby in her arms and it's Julian's face staring back at her in the soft darkness. It's Julian's hands reaching out for her, his laughter she can hear and finally his warm, moist breath against her collarbone as his breathing evens out. And she holds him, cradling him against her and the world's alright. Soon Rachel will be home and then they'll put him into his little bed upstairs and have a glass of wine on the couch before heading to bed themselves.

She doesn't hear the voices approaching and neither does she hear the angry growl from the man she knows as Charlie. She doesn't hear the panicked shriek from Claire or the dull thud as Jin and Sayid simultaneously drop their bags on the sand. She's finally home in Miami and Julian's asleep and they're waiting for Rachel.

That is, until someone steps in front of her and wrenches the little sleeping baby from her arms. She tries to hold on to him, tries with all her might, but they're just too strong and she's losing her grip and she doesn't want to hurt him and she's pleading with them not to take him, not to take Julian away from her, but they don't listen, they take him and she can't see where they're taking him, who they're giving him to, but as soon as he's gone they're moving in on her and one of them snarls at her "No blondie, I don't think so. No stealing other people's kids tonight." and there's another man grinning at her in a way that makes her insides shake and then there's a fist to her face, to her stomach, to her back. And Julian's gone, gone, and she's screaming his name on the top of her lungs, scrambling to get to her feet, trying to push through the cycle they form around her, but they won't let her, they move in on her and everything's a blur. Then, suddenly, it stops and the smaller man with dark, curly hair steps forward and takes her face in his hand, forcing her to meet his eyes.

"Stop screaming. That kid's name is Aron and don't you think for a second I'm buying your little act here. No-one and I mean no-one's ever gonna let you near that kid again, you hear me?"

And it all comes flashing back to her in seconds. The compound, Ben, the fire, Jack, Kate, the tent, Kate, Julian, Rachel, Aron and Claire.

God, no!

She wrenches from Sayid's grasp and past him. She can't see where she's going, it's dark and even the dark's blurry and she can't breathe, but she stumbles forward. She has to get away, nothing but away from there, from them, from this.

Oh please, no!


End file.
